Brian Mercer parked his Lexus next to the two-storyrey mansion he and Olivia had bought 5 years ago.
The setting sun painted the brick facade in warm colors, but Brian’s soul was cold.
He lingered in the car, staring out the seconds story windows, Olivia was probably in her studio working on another project.
Always immersed in her work, especially lately, as if deliberately avoiding talking about the future, about their future.
Brian sighed and got out of the car.
At 46, he had achieved everything he had dreamed of in his youth.
A prestigious position in an investment company, a house in an elite suburb of Chicago, a wife he loved.
Everything but one thing, children.
He unlocked the front door and heard soft music coming from upstairs.
Before rising, Brian poured himself a whiskey and took a few sips, gathering his thoughts.
They would definitely talk tonight.
He was running out of patience.
When Brian opened the studio door, Olivia turned and smiled.
Even after 27 years of marriage, his heart skipped a beat at the sight of her smile.
Tall, slender, with wavy brown hair and expressive green eyes.
She hadn’t changed much since the day he’d first seen her at the university party.
“You’re early today,” Olivia said, setting aside her sketch pad.
“Is something wrong?” “We need to talk.
” Brian took a seat on the edge of the couch by the window.
Olivia’s smile faded.
About what? You know what, Liv? You turned 45.
I’m 46.
Time is running out.
Olivia turned back to the window.
I thought we agreed to wait another year.
I have an important project right now.
There’s always an important project.
Brian interrupted her.
There’s always a reason to postpone.
First your education, then your career, then buying a house, then a promotion.
There’s always something more important.
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair.
Brian set the glass down on the table with such force that the whiskey spilled out.
We started trying to conceive 3 months ago, and you still refused to go to the doctor together.
Olivia folded her arms across her chest as if defending herself.
I told you I wanted to figure it out on my own first.
Maybe I’m the problem and I want to understand first.
We’ve been married for 27 years, Liv.
What’s there to figure out on your own? This is our life together, our problem together.
Olivia was silent, fiddling with the tassel of her robe.
It had been a gift from Brian last Christmas, an ivory silk robe with embroidered initials.
She always wore it when she was working on sketches.
Brian remembered how they had met.
He was a freshman in law school and she was studying design.
Her vibrant personality had immediately caught his eye at that party.
They talked all night and in the morning went to breakfast at a small cafe near campus.
6 months later, he proposed to her and they were married despite the protests of her parents who thought they were too young.
I made an appointment with Dr.
Kersner next week, Brian said.
He’s a specialist in reproductive medicine.
I want us to go together.
Olivia shuddered.
Kchner? Yep.
I’m already seeing another doctor.
Which one? You never said his name.
Her, actually.
Dr.
Chang.
Okay.
Brian nodded.
Then let’s go to her together.
Olivia stood up and walked to the window, turning her back to her husband.
I don’t feel comfortable having you present for the examination.
It’s it’s intimate.
I don’t insist on being there, but I want to talk to the doctor.
I want to know what’s going on.
Give me a little more time, Brian.
Olivia asked without turning around.
Please, Brian sighed.
How many times had he heard that request? Hundreds? thousands.
Their whole life together.
We don’t have time anymore, Liv.
Not you.
Not me.
He walked over to his wife and put his hands on her shoulders.
She tensed up and it didn’t go unnoticed.
What’s going on? Are you afraid of something or someone? No, Olivia answered too quickly.
It’s just just what? I’m just not sure I’m ready.
Brian dropped his hands and stepped back.
After 27 years of marriage, after all the talk we’ve had about kids, after you said you wanted them as much as I did, tears glistened in Olivia’s eyes.
Ia, I’m afraid I can’t do this.
Can’t what? Be a good mom? Is that what this is about? No, that’s not it.
She shook her head.
I just I need time.
Time for what, Olivia? Brian could feel the irritation building inside.
What do you need time for? You’ve been putting it off forever.
First you wanted to graduate.
Then you wanted to build a career.
Then you had to get a foothold in an agency.
Then you had to become an art director.
Every time there’s a new reason.
And now that we finally started trying, you refused to even discuss the problem.
I’m not refusing.
Olivia said quietly.
I’m just not ready to do this with you.
Not yet.
The words hit Brian harder than he’d expected.
They’d always done everything together since the beginning of their relationship.
What’s changed, leave? He asked.
Why now? When it comes to the biggest decision of our lives, do you suddenly want to exclude me? I’m not excluding you.
I just uh I need to figure this out on my own first.
Figure what out? Brian felt himself boiling over.
What is there that you can’t figure out with me? We’ve been married for almost three decades for crying out loud.
Olivia flinched at his raised tone.
Please don’t yell.
I’m not yelling.
Brian took a deep breath, trying to calm down.
I’m sorry.
I just don’t understand.
What’s going on, Liv? What are you hiding from me? Nothing, she answered too quickly.
Just give me time.
I’m going to see Kchner next week, Brian said firmly.
With or without you? He left the room without waiting for an answer.
Dr.
Vince Kirtchner was a tall, gray-haired man with deep wrinkles around his eyes that showed his age.
His office was located in a state-of-the-art medical center in downtown Chicago.
“So, Mr.
Mercer,” the doctor said after they had exchanged greetings.
“What brings you to me?” “My wife and I are trying to conceive a child,” Brian replied.
“Without success.
” “How long have you been trying?” “About 3 months, but it’s not just that long.
My wife is 45.
I’m 46.
We realize there’s not much time.
” Dr.
Kersner nodded.
And your wife? Why didn’t she come with you? She Brian hesitated.
She wants to handle this matter on her own, at least at first.
Kchner looked at him carefully, but said nothing.
Look, Brian continued, “I realize that 3 months isn’t a long time.
But considering our age and the fact that my wife has been acting strange, I’d like to know what to do.
” “Strange?” The doctor raised an eyebrow.
She refuses to discuss the results of her examinations with me.
Doesn’t want me to attend appointments.
I’m not even sure if she’s actually seeing a doctor.
Dr.
Kersner folded his hands in front of him.
Mr.
Mercer, I can do the exam for you, but as far as your wife is concerned, he paused.
I can’t comment on her actions or advise on her behavior without seeing her.
I understand.
Brian nodded.
But if she was hiding something serious, something that is preventing us from having children, would that explain her behavior? Dr.
Kersner kept a neutral expression on his face.
There are many reasons why couples have difficulty conceiving and many reasons why people may not be willing to discuss these problems.
Physician ethics don’t allow me to speculate about a particular case.
Brian felt disappointed.
He had hoped to get some kind of lead.
All right, he said, do the examination for me, and if possible, I’d like to know if my wife is a patient of yours, Olivia Mercer.
Mr.
Mercer, the doctor’s voice became sterner.
You must understand that I cannot divulge information about my patients, not even to confirm or deny that they’ve come to me, even if it’s about a spouse.
Even in that case, Dr.
Patient confidentiality is the foundation of Dr.
Patient trust.
The conversation then turned to medical issues.
Brian took the necessary tests and made another appointment to discuss the results.
As he left Dr.
Kersner’s office, he was left with the uneasy feeling that the doctor knew something but wasn’t telling him.
Or perhaps it was just professional restraint.
Either way, Brian didn’t get the answers he was looking for.
When he returned home in the evening, he found Olivia cooking dinner.
She stood at the stove stirring the sauce.
The kitchen was filled with the aroma of spices and herbs.
How was your day?” she asked without turning around.
“Fine,” Brian said, sitting down at the bar.
“I saw Dr.
Kersner.
” The spoon fell out of Olivia’s hands and hit the floor with a loud clatter.
She quickly bent down to pick it up, but Brian could see the pale look on her face.
“Which doctor?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.
“Kersner, I told you I made an appointment with him.
” “Oh, yeah.
” Olivia turned back to the sink to wash a spoon.
How was the appointment? Uh, standard.
I took some tests and I’ll know the results in a week.
Olivia nodded without looking at him.
That’s good.
You know, Brian said slowly.
I asked him if you were his patient.
This time Olivia froze, then slowly turned toward him, and Brian saw a mixture of fear and anger in her eyes.
You did what? I asked if you were his patient, Brian repeated.
He didn’t answer, of course.
Dr.
for patient confidentiality and all that.
How could you? Olivia sounded hurt.
That’s This is out of line.
Boundaries.
Brian jumped up from his chair.
You’re telling me about boundaries? After you refuse to take me to the doctor, after you withhold test results from me? What other boundaries do I have to respect? You have no right to demand.
I do.
Brian interrupted her.
I’m your husband.
We decided to have a baby together.
It’s not just your business.
It’s my body,” Olivia said quietly.
“And my life,” Brian replied.
“Our life together.
I have a right to know what’s going on.
” They stared at each other across the kitchen island.
It was as if a wall had grown between them, and Brian didn’t know how to break through it.
“What are you hiding, Liv?” he finally asked.
“What’s so terrible that you can’t tell me?” Olivia lowered her eyes.
“Nothing.
It’s just I need time.
Time to do what? Time to figure things out.
Please, Brian, trust me.
But Brian wasn’t sure he could trust her anymore.
For the first time in 27 years of marriage, Brian never thought he’d be watching his own wife.
3 days ago, Olivia had said she was on her way to meet a client.
But something in her voice made him doubt it.
He’d followed her, keeping his distance, and found that instead of the client’s office, she’d headed to the medical center where Dr.
Kersner worked.
Now, he was sitting in his Lexus in front of the same building, waiting for Olivia to come out.
An hour ago, she’d gone inside after telling him over the phone that she had a meeting scheduled with potential customers.
Another lie to add to the piggy bank of growing distrust.
Brian glanced at his watch.
2:00 in the afternoon.
His phone vibrated.
A message from a coworker about an upcoming meeting.
He muted it.
Other things were more important right now.
In his jacket pocket was a thumb drive with the files he’d found on Olivia’s computer a few days ago.
Nothing remarkable.
Work projects, invoices, vacation photos, but not a single picture from her past before he’d met her.
When he’d asked about it, she’d said that all the old photo albums were stored at her parents’ house in Seattle.
Parents they hadn’t seen in 15 years.
Complicated relationship.
Olivia always said they’d visited for their wedding, but since then, communication had been limited to occasional phone calls for the holidays.
Finally, Olivia appeared at the entrance to the building.
She looked tense.
Even from this distance, Brian could see it in her gate.
He ducked down as she passed his car, heading for her BMW.
Olivia drove off, but Brian didn’t follow her.
Instead, he looked at the medical center building and made a decision.
He had to know the truth.
Dr.
Kersner’s waiting room was quiet.
The young woman behind the counter looked up as Brian entered.
“What can I do for you?” “I have an appointment with Dr.
Kersner.
” Brian lied.
Mercer.
Brian Mercer.
She looked at the computer.
I don’t see you on the schedule for today, Mr.
Mercer.
That’s odd, he frowned.
I distinctly remember the secretary making an appointment.
Could it be for another day? Let’s check.
She started looking at the calendar.
I don’t see your name for the next 2 weeks.
There may have been a mistake.
Brian smiled softly.
Is Dr.
Kchner in the field right now? I could clarify directly.
Unfortunately, the doctor is at a conference.
He won’t be back until 2 days from now.
That was exactly what Brian wanted to hear.
I see.
Then I’ll call back later to confirm the time.
By the way, my wife is also seeing Dr.
Kersner, Olivia Mercer.
Perhaps she mentioned me.
The receptionist shook her head.
I need to respect patient confidentiality, Mr.
Mercer.
I can’t discuss other patients.
Of course, I’m sorry.
Brian took a step back.
I’ll call to check on the appointment.
Exiting the waiting room, he didn’t leave the building.
Instead, he went down one floor and sat in the waiting area, pretending to read a ma
gazine.
He waited.
Near 6:00 p.
m.
, the medical center began to empty.
Brian noticed Dr.
Kushner’s secretary walked to the elevators with her purse in hand.
After waiting for her to leave, he walked back up to the floor.
The corridor was empty.
Brian walked to a door with a sign that read, “Dr.
Vincent Kersner, reproductive medicine.
It was locked just as he expected.
Looking around, he pulled out a small tool he’d bought yesterday at a home improvement store.
He’d never picked locks before, but the YouTube video had been surprisingly helpful.
2 minutes later, the door gave in.
Brian quickly slipped inside and closed the door behind him.
The reception area was dark with only the emergency lights providing enough light to navigate.
He made his way behind the reception desk and turned on the computer.
It prompted for a password.
Brian looked around.
There must be paper archives.
He spotted a door at the back of the reception area and headed toward it.
It turned out to be Dr.
Kersner’s office.
There were file cabinets along the wall.
Mercer.
Mer.
He quickly found the right drawer and began looking through the folders.
Murdoch.
Murphy.
Mercer.
Brian.
And next to that, Mercer, Olivia.
So, she really was Kersner’s patient.
Brian picked up both folders and walked over to the doctor’s desk.
Turning on the desk lamp, he opened his own first.
Standard notes from a recent appointment, test results he hadn’t gotten yet.
All normal.
Then, he opened Olivia’s folder and froze.
The first sheet contained basic information.
Name: Olivia Mercer, born Oliver Rowdy.
Date of birth, 23rd of April, 1,980.
Gender M, changed to G, 1,997th year.
Brian felt the room begin to spin around him.
This couldn’t be true.
He reread the information again and again.
The letters danced in front of his eyes, but folded into the same words.
Oliver Rowdy, M changed to G.
He began frantically flipping through the folder.
Medical reports, surgery records, hormone therapy.
The most recent records were dated last week counseling for inability to procreate and potential egg donation for surrogacy.
At the very back of the folder, Brian found an envelope labeled personal correspondence.
Inside were letters typed on a computer and signed by hand.
He recognized Olivia’s signature.
The first letter was dated 15 years earlier.
Dear Vince, it’s been 12 years since the surgery, and I’ve never regretted my decision.
Brian still doesn’t know anything, and I plan to keep it a secret.
Sometimes I feel guilty, especially when he talks about kids.
He longs to be a father, but I’m afraid of losing him if he finds out the truth.
What would you do if you were me? Respectfully, Olivia.
Brian moved on to the next letter, dated 10 years earlier.
Vince, I know you’re advising me to tell Brian the truth, but I can’t.
We’ve been together for 17 years.
It’s too late for that kind of confession.
He’ll never forgive me for this deception.
And it’s not just about not being able to have children, though that would break his heart.
It’s about the fact that I let him live a lie all these years.
Olivia, with each letter, Brian could feel the rage building up inside.
The last letter had been written only a month ago.
Vince, Brian has brought up the issue of the kids again.
It’s getting harder and harder for me to dodge.
He wants us to get tested together.
I don’t know what to do.
Any advice on how long I can keep putting this conversation off? Is there any way to convince him that the problem is something else? Desperately, Olivia.
Brian sat motionless like a stone statue.
It didn’t make sense in his head.
27 years, almost three decades of marriage.
And all that time, he didn’t realize he was crying until a tear fell onto the paper, blurring the ink.
Quickly wiping his eyes, he folded the letters back into the envelope and returned it to the folder.
Then pulled out his phone and took a picture of the contents of both folders, returned them to the closet, exactly where he found them, turned off the lamp, and left the office, closing the door carefully behind him.
Already in the car, Brian
allowed himself to vent his emotions.
He slammed his hands on the steering wheel with such force that the claxon went off.
“Then again and again, until the parking lot security guard came over to see if everything was okay.
” “Yeah,” Brian said, starting the engine.
Everything was just fine as hell.
He hadn’t gone home.
Couldn’t see Olivia now.
Instead, he dialed Elellanar Parker’s number.
Ellaner was Olivia’s only friend who had known her before they met.
Brian,” she answered in surprise.
“Is something wrong?” “We need to meet,” he said.
“Tonight.
It’s almost 8:00 at night.
It’s about Olivia.
It’s important.
” Eleanor.
Pause.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Do you know the Blue Corner Cafe on Fifth Street? I’ll be there in 20 minutes.
Elellanar was already waiting for him at a table at the back of the room.
A slender woman about Olivia’s age with a short haircut and shrewd eyes.
She’d always made Brian a little nervous with her directness.
You look terrible, she said instead of greeting him.
What’s going on? Brian sat down across from her and ordered a whiskey as the waitress approached.
How long have you known Olivia? Ellaner frowned.
We met in art school before college.
Why? What kind of school? A summer art academy in Seattle.
We were both teenagers.
And did Olivia look uh like that? What do you mean? Elellanar tensed up.
Brian, what’s going on? Just answer the question.
His voice sounded sharper than he intended.
Elellanar pushed the coffee cup away.
She was thinner and taller than most girls.
Her hair was shorter.
But all in all, yes, it was the same Olivia.
And her parents? Did you ever meet her parents once? Eleanor nodded.
They came to visit her at camp, but Olivia didn’t really get along with them.
What were their names? I don’t remember to be honest.
It’s been almost 30 years, Brian.
What’s it all mean? The waitress brought whiskey.
Brian took a swig and set the glass on the table.
Did you know Olivia was trans? Ellaner’s face changed.
She paused for a moment as if deciding what to say, then nodded slowly.
“Yes,” she told me.
In my second year of university, we were close friends.
“And you never thought of telling me.
” “It’s not my secret, Brian,” she answered quietly.
I always told Olivia that she should be honest with you, especially when you two decided to get married, but it was her decision.
Her decision? Brian felt himself boiling over.
This is about my life, damn it.
About the 27 years I lived with a man who lied to me every single day.
Several diners in the cafe turned around at his raised voice.
Elellaner raised her hand soothingly.
“Hush! I realize you’re shocked.
” “Shocked?” he grinned bitterly.
That doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.
How did you find out? Does it make a difference? Perhaps.
Elellanar leaned forward.
Have you spoken to her? No.
Brian shook his head.
And I’m not sure I can.
You have to give her a chance to explain.
Explain what? Why she lied to me for 27 years? Why she let me hope for children knowing it was impossible? Elellanar sighed.
She loves you, Brian, more than anything in the world.
That much I know for sure.
People who love each other don’t lie to each other.
He said, “Sometimes lying seems to be the only way to keep love alive,” Elellanar said softly.
She was afraid of losing you.
And instead, she decided to deceive me for the rest of my life.
Brian shook his head.
“That’s not love.
That’s selfishness.
She made a mistake.
” “A mistake?” Brian interrupted.
A mistake is forgetting to buy milk or accidentally ruining someone’s shirt in the wash.
What Olivia did was a betrayal.
Elellanena remained silent, examining her hands.
“What are you going to do?” she finally asked.
“I don’t know,” Brian answered honestly.
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret,” she said with a warning in her voice.
Brian stood up, throwing a few bills on the table.
The only thing I regret is the last 27 years of my life.
He left the cafe, feeling Elellanar’s concerned gaze on him.
Brian spent the night at the hotel looking through photos of Olivia’s medical records.
Every detail, every entry was like a new blow.
The sex change operation had been performed a year before they’d met.
She’d been 19 then.
He was 18 when they met.
The paperwork included a diagnosis, gender dysphoria.
There were records of counseling sessions with psychologists, hormone therapy.
Olivia began the transition process at 16 with parental consent.
Parents who supposedly didn’t accept her.
Another lie.
Brian remembered their first meeting.
The party on campus.
Olivia in her blue dress.
Her laughter.
Had there already been that weariness in her eyes that he noticed sometimes? Had she planned to hide her past from the beginning? He remembered their first night together.
Olivia’s awkwardness, which he’d written off as inexperience, her reluctance to undress completely.
Her habit of turning off the lights.
Everything took on a new meaning.
The wedding, Olivia’s parents visiting from Seattle.
Were they real parents or actors hired to maintain the lie? Brian didn’t know what to believe now.
And then years of living together, Olivia always found reasons to put off talking about children.
First education, then career.
And when there was no time left, she started pretending to try to get pregnant, letting him hope.
In the morning, Brian bought a gun at a gun store on the outskirts of town.
The background check process took a few hours, but by noon, the gun was officially registered in his name.
The salesman explained the basics of safety and showed him how to load and unload the gun.
for self-defense? The salesman asked.
Yes, Brian replied.
That’s right.
He put the gun in the glove compartment of the car and drove home.
On the way, he called Olivia.
Where have you been? I could hear the concern in her voice.
I’ve been calling all night.
I’m sorry, Brian said, surprised at how calm his voice sounded.
I should have thought about it.
I’ll be there in an hour.
Let’s have dinner.
Just the two of us.
Brian, what’s going on? Are you okay? I’m fine, he said.
I just want to spend the evening with my wife.
I’ll buy some wine.
Hanging up the phone, he stopped at the liquor store and picked out a bottle of expensive red wine, their favorite, the one they drank for their wedding and every anniversary.
Driving up to the house, Brian felt a strange calmness.
It was as if all the storm of emotions that had been raging inside him for the last 24 hours had subsided, leaving behind an emptiness.
He parked, grabbed his wine, and walked into the house.
Olivia was waiting for him in the living room, nervously rubbing the sleeve of her blouse.
When he entered, she jumped up.
“Brian, I was so worried.
Where have you been?” I needed time to think.
He handed her the bottle.
“Our favorite.
Open it, please, and I’ll go change.
” She looked puzzled but took the wine.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” “Absolutely.
” Brian smiled and went upstairs.
In the bedroom, he opened his safe and pulled out the documents that had been stored there for years.
The marriage certificate, the photo from their wedding, the first letter Olivia had written him when he’d left for an internship in another city.
“I will love you forever and never betray you,” she’d written.
Brian put the papers on the bed, changed into a clean shirt, and went downstairs.
From the kitchen came the aroma of cooking.
Olivia had always been an excellent cook, another talent of Oliver Rowdies that Brian knew nothing about.
Olivia had already set the table and poured wine into glasses.
She smiled when he entered, but there was concern in her eyes.
“You look tired,” she said.
“Sit down and rest.
I made your favorite dish, rosemary stew.
” “Yes, his favorite.
” He sat at the table looking at the woman who had been the center of his world for 27 years.
The woman who never existed.
“Shall we have a drink?” Brian offered, raising his glass.
“To the truth, however bitter it might be.
” Olivia froze with the glass in her hand.
“To the truth,” she repeated quietly and took a sip.
Brian watched her, feeling the wave of anger rising inside him again, but he held it back.
It wasn’t time yet.
I love you, you know, he said, always had.
Olivia set down her glass and took his hand.
I love you, too, Brian, more than anything in the world.
Enough to tell me the truth.
She tensed, her fingers tightening on his arm.
What are you talking about? About you? Brian answered simply.
About us? About what you’ve kept from me all these years? Olivia turned pale.
I don’t understand.
Stop it.
Brian released her hand.
I know everything, Olivia.
Or should I call you Oliver? She froze like a statue.
There was a look of unconcealed horror in her eyes.
Where? How did you? Does it matter? He took another sip of wine.
You lied to me for 27 years.
Every day of our marriage was built on deception.
No.
She shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes.
Our marriage was built on love.
I’ve always loved you, Brian.
Love doesn’t lie, he cut her off.
Love doesn’t allow a partner to live in an illusion.
I was afraid, Olivia admitted, tears now streaming down her cheeks.
Afraid of losing you.
You wouldn’t have accepted me if you’d known.
You didn’t give me a chance to decide, Brian countered.
You made the decision for me.
For both of us.
I’m sorry.
She reached across the table, but he pulled away.
Please, Brian.
I know I made a terrible mistake, but I’m the same Olivia you’ve known all these years.
Nothing has changed.
Everything has changed.
Brian stood up from the table.
You knew how important children were to me.
You knew how much I wanted a family.
And you still let me hope.
All that talk about right time, all those promises.
I thought about surrogacy, Olivia said hurriedly.
We could still have children, your children.
After nearly three decades of lying, Brian grinned bitterly.
How can I believe a single word you say now? He made his way into the living room and sat down in a chair.
Olivia followed him, wiping away her tears.
“What are you going to do?” she asked in a trembling voice.
Brian looked at her at the woman he had loved his entire adult life, at the man who had destroyed his dreams and trust.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.
“I really don’t.
I think we need time, Brian said, looking at his hands.
I’ll live apart.
I need to think things through.
Olivia stood in the middle of the living room, her arms wrapped around herself as if trying to protect herself from an invisible threat.
Don’t go, she whispered.
Please, let’s talk.
I’ll tell you everything from the beginning.
The whole truth.
Now, Brian looked up.
After 27 years of lying, you’re suddenly ready for honesty.
I’ve always wanted to tell you.
Her voice trembled.
Every year, every day, I thought about it.
But the longer I kept silent, the harder it became to admit it.
Brian stood up and headed for the stairs.
I’ll get my things.
Brian, please.
Olivia rushed after him.
Don’t do this.
We can fix this.
I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be angry.
He stopped in the middle of the stairs and turned to her.
You think I’m angry? I feel like I’ve been buried alive, Olivia.
Everything I believed in, everything I planned, it was all a lie.
Not everything.
She shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.
My love for you was never a lie.
Brian continued upstairs without answering.
In the bedroom, he opened the closet and pulled out a travel bag.
Mechanically, he began folding clothes, toiletries, and documents.
Olivia stood in the doorway watching him.
“Where are you going to go?” she asked quietly.
to a hotel, then I’ll get an apartment.
For how long? Brian stopped, holding up a framed photograph of him and Olivia on the ocean, smiling, happy.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, and put the picture back on the nightstand.
When the bag was packed, he left the bedroom, walking around Olivia as if she were an invisible obstacle.
He walked down the stairs and stopped at the front door.
“Live,” he said without turning around.
You knew how important children were to me and you lied anyway.
I can’t forgive that.
He walked out without waiting for an answer and got into the car.
Olivia ran out onto the porch.
“We can work this out,” she shouted.
“Please don’t leave like this.
” He started the engine and drove off without looking in the rearview mirror.
For 3 days, Brian lived in the hotel, ignoring calls and texts from Olivia.
She wrote long emails explaining her past, offering options for a future together.
Adoption, surrogacy.
He read them with a stoned face, not responding.
On the fourth day, he remembered the gun in the glove compartment.
He got in his car and drove around town for a long time, thinking about the past and the future.
How could it be that he, who’d always prided himself on his shrewdness, hadn’t noticed the deception? How had Olivia managed to hide the truth for so many years? His memory had been quick to suggest moments that now took on new meaning.
The lack of childhood photos.
Olivia’s reluctance to have him accompany her to the gynecologist.
The strange reaction to some of the conversations he’d had about the past, little things he hadn’t paid attention to were adding up to a whole picture of betrayal.
Brian parked by the riverbank and stared at the water for a long time.
The gun lay next to him on the passenger seat.
He imagined how things could end here and now.
One move and all the problems would be gone.
But that would be too easy, too cowardly.
On the fifth day, he decided to return home, not for a reconciliation, but for a final conversation to set the record straight before he started divorce proceedings.
He called Olivia and told her he’d be there tonight.
Her voice shook with excitement and hope.
I’ll cook dinner, she said, just like old times.
Brian didn’t object.
He stopped by the flower store and bought a bouquet of white liies, Olivia’s favorite flowers.
Then to the liquor store for a bottle of champagne.
From the outside, it looked like an attempt at reconciliation, but there was still a gun in the glove compartment.
Brian himself didn’t know why he’d taken the gun.
Didn’t intend to use it.
He just wanted to have a choice.
control over the situation that Olivia had taken away from him with her lies.
It was already dark when he pulled up to the house.
There were lights in the windows and candles lit on the porch.
Olivia always knew how to create atmosphere.
She opened the door before he could knock.
She looked haggarded with circles under her eyes, but still beautiful.
She was wearing a blue dress, the same one they’d first met in.
“You came?” she said with barely contained joy.
Yes.
Brian handed her flowers and champagne.
We need to talk.
Olivia led him into the living room where the table was set.
Candles, the best dishes, their wedding glasses.
I made your favorite dishes.
She smiled uncertainly.
Sit down, please.
Brian sat down, feeling strangely calm.
It was as if he were watching from the sidelines.
“Open the champagne?” Olivia asked, setting the flowers in the vase.
he complied, pouring the sparkling wine into glasses.
“What are we drinking to?” Brian asked, raising his glass.
“To new beginnings,” she suggested hopefully.
“To new beginnings,” he agreed, though he was far away from here in his mind.
They drank.
Olivia began to put food on the table.
“You’ve lost weight,” she said.
“Haven’t eaten properly these days?” “Not really.
” Brian cut off a piece of meat.
“It’s a good steak.
I cooked it according to your recipe with rosemary and thyme.
You used more salt than you needed.
Did you? She tasted it.
I think it’s okay.
You always cook like that, Brian said, looking across the table at her.
A little too much salt.
And you’re surprised every time I mention it.
I hadn’t noticed, Olivia lowered her gaze.
I’m sorry.
They ate in silence.
The sound of cutlery on porcelain seemed deafening in the silence.
Remember when we went to Vermont 3 years ago? Olivia said suddenly.
That little hotel overlooking the lake.
I remember.
Brian nodded.
The mattress was awful.
It squeaked every time I moved.
But the breakfast were great.
She smiled.
Those blueberry pancakes and the coffee the Ms made herself.
Brian added, the best I’ve ever had.
We promised we’d come back, Olivia said quietly.
We promised a lot of things, he said, and the smile faded from her face.
There was silence again.
Brian felt his hand involuntarily reach for his belt where the gun was hidden.
He stopped himself and picked up the glass.
“Did you talk to the lawyer?” Olivia asked.
“Not yet,” Brian shook his head.
“But I’m going to.
I’ll sign any papers.
” She met his gaze.
If that’s what you want.
And what do you want? You know.
Brian pushed his plate away.
Do I? I thought I’d known you for 27 years.
Turns out I had no idea who I was living with.
Olivia sighed.
I’m the same Olivia, Brian.
I always have been.
What was before we met? It’s important.
He interrupted.
What happened before determines what happens after.
That’s why you hid your past.
I just wanted a normal life.
She sipped her champagne.
To be a normal woman, to love and be loved at the expense of deception.
I didn’t see any other way out.
Olivia looked at him defiantly.
Would you have accepted me if you’d known the truth? Brian didn’t answer.
She knew the answer herself.
I’ll sell the house, he said instead.
We’ll split the money equally.
I don’t want the money.
Olivia shook her head.
Keep it.
It’s not fair.
Are we talking about fair? Brian stood up and walked to the window.
Outside the window, he could see their well tended garden, the gazebo where they often had dinner on summer evenings.
The house they had chosen together, thinking of the future.
Of the children who would play on that lawn.
You know what makes me the angriest? He said without turning around.
Not that you hid your past.
It’s that you knew how important it was for me to have children and you kept quiet.
You let me hope.
There is surrogacy.
Olivia reminded him.
It’s still possible.
Not for me.
Brian turned to her.
It would just be another lie.
They looked across the room at each other.
Two people who had lived together for almost three decades, and suddenly they were strangers.
“What are we going to do with the furniture?” Olivia asked suddenly.
Brian blinked, surprised by this mundane question in the middle of their drama.
What? The furniture, she repeated.
We picked out this couch together and the bed and the dining room set.
Don’t you think that’s not the most important thing right now? What is? She shrugged.
We’ve been together 27 years.
We have property to divide.
Friends who will have to explain why we broke up.
I’ll tell the truth, Brian declared.
All of it? Olivia looked at him defiantly.
Including the fact that your wife is trans? He hesitated.
Was he ready for that kind of talk? For the sympathy of some, the condemnation of others, for the questions that would inevitably follow? I don’t know, he answered honestly.
He hadn’t decided yet.
Olivia stood up and began to clear the table.
Such an ordinary familiar scene.
How many times over the years had he seen her pick up the dishes after dinner? Thousands.
Tens of thousands.
Leave it.
I’ll help.
Brian said as he approached the table, their hands accidentally touched as they reached for the same plate at the same time.
Olivia jerked her hand away as if she’d been burned.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
“Something in that gesture, in that little thing, suddenly set Brian off in a new wave of rage.
All the pretense, all the falsity of this evening, the bouquets, the champagne, the talk of furniture, it was all just an attempt to avoid the main thing.
” 27 years of deception.
27 years of a stolen life.
He pulled the gun from behind his belt, did it as calmly as if it were a phone or keys.
Olivia’s eyes went wide when she saw the weapon.
Brian, what are you doing? Her voice shook.
I don’t know, he answered honestly.
I bought it the other day.
I don’t know why.
Put it down.
She backed away slowly.
Please, why are you scared? Brian stared at the gun in his hand.
Do you think I might shoot you? I don’t know.
She was speaking his words now.
You’re very angry.
Angry? He grinned.
That doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.
Brian, please.
Olivia took another step back.
Let’s talk without guns.
We’ve been talking for 2 hours.
He looked up at her.
And all you’re worried about is the furniture and what your friends will say.
I’ve talked about other things, too.
Love? Brian interrupted.
That you’re supposedly in love with me.
What kind of love is that, Olivia? That’s built on lies.
It’s real, she answered quietly.
Imperfect, but real.
And the children? His voice became harder.
You knew how much I wanted children.
And still, you looked me in the eye every day and lied to me.
I thought it would stop being so important to you eventually.
Olivia admitted that our life together would be enough for you, not for me.
Brian countered.
“And you knew it.
” He pointed the gun at her, but his hand shook.
“Olivia froze, staring into his eyes.
” “If you think I deserve to die for what I did,” she said quietly.
“Then shoot me.
I will not resist.
” “Don’t tempt me,” Brian whispered.
“I mean it,” Olivia squared her shoulders.
“If you can’t forgive me, if you think I ruined your life, then do what you have to do.
I’ll understand.
” Stop.
No, you listen to me.
She took a step forward.
I know I hurt you.
I know I lied to you about the most important thing, but I never pretended to love you.
It’s always been true.
Shut up, Brian shouted, feeling something inside him break.
I won’t shut up, Olivia continued to walk toward him.
Because if this is our last conversation, I want you to know that I don’t regret our life together, even if it ends here and now.
At that moment, a new wave of rage swept over him.
An all-consuming, blinding rage.
Everything swam before his eyes, and he heard the gunshot before he realized he’d pulled the trigger.
Olivia jerked back, a red stain blooming on her blue dress.
She looked at him in surprise as if not realizing what had happened, then shifted her gaze to her chest.
“Brian,” she whispered and collapsed to the floor.
It was as if time had stopped.
Brian stared at Olivia lying there, at the blood spreading beneath her, at the gun in his hand.
The reality of what was happening didn’t settle in his mind.
Olivia.
He rushed over to her, knelt down.
God, Olivia.
She looked up at him with a hazy stare, her breathing ragged.
I didn’t mean to.
Brian reached for the phone with trembling hands.
I didn’t mean to shoot.
Hang on, I’ll call an ambulance.
He dialed 911, reported what had happened, gave the address.
Then he dropped the phone and pressed his hands against Olivia’s wound, trying to stop the bleeding.
“Don’t close your eyes,” he begged.
“Look at me, Liv.
Stay with me.
” But her eyes were already glazing over, her breathing growing fainter.
She didn’t say another word.
When the police and paramedics arrived, she was no longer breathing.
Brian sat next to her body, drenched in blood with a blank stare.
He didn’t resist when the police handcuffed him.
Didn’t answer any questions.
Only as they let him out of the house did he turn around one last time to look at Olivia, who was being covered with a sheet.
In the holding cell, Brian realized for the first time the gravity of what he had done.
He had killed a man, killed the woman he had loved for 27 years.
When his lawyer came to see him, Brian refused to defend himself.
I’m guilty, he said.
I want to plead guilty.
Mr.
Mercer, this is a serious charge, the lawyer objected.
We may be able to get leniency given the circumstances and your mental state at the time of the crime.
I’m not crazy, Brian replied calmly.
I knew what I was doing.
You were under a great deal of emotional stress.
I killed her, Brian interrupted consciously.
I deserve to be punished.
At the trial, he refused to testify, only summarized the circumstances of the case, and pleaded guilty.
The jury deliberated briefly.
The sentence was 25 years in prison.
As the judge announced the verdict, Brian thought about the fact that when he was released, if he lived to see it, he would be 71 years old.
Too late to start a new life.
Too late to be a father.
In his prison cell, he thought of Olivia often.
her surprised look in the last seconds of her life as if she didn’t believe until the last moment that he was capable of such an act.
Some nights lying in the narrow prison bunk, he thought, “If he could go back to that moment with a gun in his hand, would he have done anything differently?” And each time the answer was different.
In his cell, Brian kept only one thing from his past life.
A photograph from their wedding.
Olivia in a white dress, radiant with happiness.
himself, young and in love, looking at her with adoration.
Sometimes it seemed to him that those two young people had never existed, that it was only an illusion he had made up for himself, and sometimes that they were the only real ones.
Everything else was just a tragic mistake that had destroyed what could have been beautiful for the rest of their lives.
